Just got back from Brighton. Fantastic! Stayed in this kooky hotel right on the sea front which was really nice despite a shaky start. Went with OneEye for a couple of nights and we had an awesome time. But once again it seems that the rudeness and ignorance follow me everywhere. I have three little stories from my trip which will be followed by three new rules to add to our list from Halloween.
1.I was patiently waiting in a really long queue at WH Smith in Victoria Station. I had completed the obstacle course of the little snake of barriers they put up at high traffic shops to control the flow of the line-up. I had resisted the impulse purchases like I was a hurdler, just skimming past every one. I had even had time to work out the probability of which of the sad, grey cashiers I would get by assessing what each of the other people in the line ahead of me had in their hands and how "on the ball" each of the , not very "on the ball " the blue- smocked employees actually were. I was on the home straight with half a a lap to go.
I then noticed an aged gentleman was standing by the exit of the "queue snake". I knew it was the exit because it was clearly marked "Exit Here". I presume he must have seen it because he was, of course standing much closer to the sign. Had he missed the sign another clue would have been the enormous line of people, some of them facing east and some of them facing west. Lined up, herded if you will through the difficult task of forming an orderly line. Also like on a highway or main road there are early warning sign before serious changes ahead. Another sign I had passed earlier had said "Please Pay Here" with a large arrow pointing diagonally downwards to avoid any confusion of which direction your feet should take you.
The man was not ill, infirm or senile as I could see with the naked eye. He did not seem confused or befuddled. He stood erect, his eyes were sharp and bright and he was alert. I looked about my fellow "queue-ers" and could see clear annoyance. Because this man was clearly trying to butt in and catch the eye of a cashier and be called forwards. He was very close to achieving this until I spoke up.
"Excuse me" said I not forcefully but clearly. Though everyone within a few meters of me heard it, to my surprise the man did not. I tried again as the man stepped forwards to the cashier. "Excuse me sir!" I admit I raised my voice slightly but only because he had ignored my first call. He looked over at me and I said "There are people here who have lined up for quite a long time here and I think you should join the queue like all of us have had to do"
I kind of liked it when he flushed red. But not too much. I got a couple of English High Fives from people around me (a nod and a smile) and the gentleman moved to the back of the line.
So,
Rule 1. Don't push in line unless it's an emergency (see below) and if somebody does speak up about it.
(Emergencies include going to pee yourself, injury of fear of injury or death)
(Notable exception: Petrol Station. When you have put in exactly £20.00 in the tank and other are paying by credit card it is acceptable to say to the cashier say "Pump 6" and lay the note in front of him and escape guilt free)
Thursday, 11 November 2010
Friday, 29 October 2010
Time Traveller in 1928?
So here's a little interesting thing I found on youtube the other day. It seems that on some bonus footage on the features disc of Charlie Chaplin's movie Circus made in 1928. The footage seems to come from the premier of the movie in Mann's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood.
Several people walk by the static camera and the last one to do so seems to be a large woman (but seemingly a man dressed as a woman) who appears to be talking on a mobile telephone. I've added the link which includes the footage of the film student who discovered to explaining everything.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DF8WF3vGUn8
I must warn you however that he has filmed the footage on his TV screen rather than putting it direct through the flash player. But he does use his DVDs picture enhancements to show you what's happening (slow-motion and zoom).
I saw a movie years ago about a historian who find a photograph of a cowboy from the 19th century apparently carrying a modern gun. It was a pretty bad TV movie to be honest but it's on the same lines. So if you watch the film please feel free to comment below and tell me what you think. Or if anyone has the movie maybe they could check it out and see if this is for real.
I have a few caviats however about this footage. For one it was common for "candid" or news footage to actually be done by actors taking direction. It was also common for men to double as women in the movies at the time. It is possible that the director for this "news" footage instructed his "actress" to cover his face so as not give away the illusion that this was not in fact a woman at all. However there is compelling evidence that the "time traveller" was in fact holding something. The bent hand and the fact that the person seems to be talking animatedly.
As Connan-Doyle's famous detective once quipped "once you have eliminated all possibilities than only the impossible must remain".
This also raises another interesting point. If we accept for a second that time travel is possible and that one day in the future(/past?) and that we can enjoy vacations to 1928 we will also be able to take our phones. Send a text from the court of Elizabeth The First? Facebook from the Kennedy Assassination? It seems they've found away for us to travel and not pollute the time line, even with blunders as big as this where someone with advanced technology is actually recorded using it.
Hope you find this interesting.
Several people walk by the static camera and the last one to do so seems to be a large woman (but seemingly a man dressed as a woman) who appears to be talking on a mobile telephone. I've added the link which includes the footage of the film student who discovered to explaining everything.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DF8WF3vGUn8
I must warn you however that he has filmed the footage on his TV screen rather than putting it direct through the flash player. But he does use his DVDs picture enhancements to show you what's happening (slow-motion and zoom).
I saw a movie years ago about a historian who find a photograph of a cowboy from the 19th century apparently carrying a modern gun. It was a pretty bad TV movie to be honest but it's on the same lines. So if you watch the film please feel free to comment below and tell me what you think. Or if anyone has the movie maybe they could check it out and see if this is for real.
I have a few caviats however about this footage. For one it was common for "candid" or news footage to actually be done by actors taking direction. It was also common for men to double as women in the movies at the time. It is possible that the director for this "news" footage instructed his "actress" to cover his face so as not give away the illusion that this was not in fact a woman at all. However there is compelling evidence that the "time traveller" was in fact holding something. The bent hand and the fact that the person seems to be talking animatedly.
As Connan-Doyle's famous detective once quipped "once you have eliminated all possibilities than only the impossible must remain".
This also raises another interesting point. If we accept for a second that time travel is possible and that one day in the future(/past?) and that we can enjoy vacations to 1928 we will also be able to take our phones. Send a text from the court of Elizabeth The First? Facebook from the Kennedy Assassination? It seems they've found away for us to travel and not pollute the time line, even with blunders as big as this where someone with advanced technology is actually recorded using it.
Hope you find this interesting.
Tuesday, 26 October 2010
Sharks vs Jets (or how I leaned to love my dumb phone)
There is a new phone coming out this week. It's by Windows. Now I'm not a particularly tech-savy person. I like my stuff to work and be simple to use. I know a lot of people who love Macs but I use a PC. Works? Simple to use? No not really. Actually today I just spent six hours with anti virus software only to be kicked off my PC because my software deleted something in the registry or some other weird techno babble that I only understand because I went online and had it explained to me like I was some kind of mentally challenged parrot with downs.
So why do I use a PC and not a Mac I hear you ask? Because it's what I know. I like the layout, I know where everything is. It's familiar.
So as you can imagine since I have held off whilst everyone in the world has gotten an iPhone or an Android I have stuck with my trusty Sony phony. So as a Windows guy I was interested to see what their offering was like. So like any other normal web user I went to look at a few demos on youtube.
Ok so it's a phone. It looks pretty nice, I guess. It makes calls, goes onto facebook, plays mp3s and all the usual stuff. The only big difference that I could see is the interface. Now I'm sure that like all products it has its pros and cons. It probably does somethings better than the iPhone and probably does this worse too.
BUT OH MY GOD THE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE ACTUALLY FIGHTING IN THE COMMENT BOX ABOUT WHICH IS BETTER WAS UNREAL!!!!
Listen if you have time to watch a demo of a fucking telephone and actually then have the time to get into an argument about it with someone you have never met you've got fuckin problems. If we had been in a bar there would have been a brawl. It was literally the 21st century version of Sharks and Jets.
IT IS THE DECAY OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION!
I'm sure this fall under "Worshipping False Idols". Am I the only one being driven crazy by comment boxes under videos and pictures. Do I give a fuck what "danuser1976" thinks about a product I am about to purchase. Do I care two shits about what "monikablue42" has to say about how wonderful her iPhone is and how she could never trust a PC user? Never trust a PC user. I'm serious. Somewhere in the world a woman is basing her personal relationships on the type of operating system people are using. Something tells me she need to re-boot her pussy more than once a year.
First of all, all of the people who were saying how awful this new system was had obviously never used it since it comes out TODAY! So basically in this high tech world of wikipedia and youtube we now can form opinions on subjects of which we have no understanding whilst gathering information from un-checked and badly researched sources.
Second of all are there not more pressing issues in the world. Starvation, death, economic meltdown, nuclear disarmament. Even choosing a colour for my kitchen fall higher up the list than what fucking operating system my phone runs on.
So now I know why I have a crappy phone. Because if I buy one of these "smart" phones I will become one of them. I will bump into someone who has a Jet whilst I text someone on my Shark and it will be a fight to the death. Perhaps the wars of the 21st century will be techno-wars but not in the way we think. You will wake up one morning to find people fighting in the street, a (un) civil war over who has the best operating system.
So why do I use a PC and not a Mac I hear you ask? Because it's what I know. I like the layout, I know where everything is. It's familiar.
So as you can imagine since I have held off whilst everyone in the world has gotten an iPhone or an Android I have stuck with my trusty Sony phony. So as a Windows guy I was interested to see what their offering was like. So like any other normal web user I went to look at a few demos on youtube.
Ok so it's a phone. It looks pretty nice, I guess. It makes calls, goes onto facebook, plays mp3s and all the usual stuff. The only big difference that I could see is the interface. Now I'm sure that like all products it has its pros and cons. It probably does somethings better than the iPhone and probably does this worse too.
BUT OH MY GOD THE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE ACTUALLY FIGHTING IN THE COMMENT BOX ABOUT WHICH IS BETTER WAS UNREAL!!!!
Listen if you have time to watch a demo of a fucking telephone and actually then have the time to get into an argument about it with someone you have never met you've got fuckin problems. If we had been in a bar there would have been a brawl. It was literally the 21st century version of Sharks and Jets.
IT IS THE DECAY OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION!
I'm sure this fall under "Worshipping False Idols". Am I the only one being driven crazy by comment boxes under videos and pictures. Do I give a fuck what "danuser1976" thinks about a product I am about to purchase. Do I care two shits about what "monikablue42" has to say about how wonderful her iPhone is and how she could never trust a PC user? Never trust a PC user. I'm serious. Somewhere in the world a woman is basing her personal relationships on the type of operating system people are using. Something tells me she need to re-boot her pussy more than once a year.
First of all, all of the people who were saying how awful this new system was had obviously never used it since it comes out TODAY! So basically in this high tech world of wikipedia and youtube we now can form opinions on subjects of which we have no understanding whilst gathering information from un-checked and badly researched sources.
Second of all are there not more pressing issues in the world. Starvation, death, economic meltdown, nuclear disarmament. Even choosing a colour for my kitchen fall higher up the list than what fucking operating system my phone runs on.
So now I know why I have a crappy phone. Because if I buy one of these "smart" phones I will become one of them. I will bump into someone who has a Jet whilst I text someone on my Shark and it will be a fight to the death. Perhaps the wars of the 21st century will be techno-wars but not in the way we think. You will wake up one morning to find people fighting in the street, a (un) civil war over who has the best operating system.
Monday, 25 October 2010
Spittin my first blog
House Party Ho (ho ho)
So the holiday season is almost upon us once again. Gay Christmas is the 31st of October and then if you are trans-Atlantic (like me) you have Thanksgiving followed by Jesus' Birthday Party followed by ringing in the year of our Lord 2011.
So this gives us lots of opportunities to dress up and hit the inevitable house parties. So since this is a blog I suppose I should be telling you how to act and what to wear right? Wrong. Think of this as more of a survival guide to the potential Horrors of House Parties.
1. Pick an outfit that is practical and chic. Fancy dress is all very well but please don't come to my house dressed as a squash or fruit. You can't get a giant pumpkin up the stairs and sip a cosmo and retain your dignity. And if you happen to score with the hottie you've had your eye on well nothing says flaccid cock better than some stupid girl dressed as a fucking bean bag,
2. Make your outfit a talking point. Halloween is not only about ghosts and witches and vampires. Try to be different, stand out and be counted. You do not want to show up and be one of twenty warty old witches or ten sucky Draculas.
3. If it's BYOB it stands to good reason that it's bring your own glasses too. Houses are not bars. The owner does not have a room downstairs in the basement dedicated to storing spare glassware should he run out during a "rush". You can assume there are about twenty drinking vessels per person living in the house (this is including ramekins, coffee mugs and annoyingly small champagne flutes or shot glasses stolen from your hosts local). Since you are not going to the first to arrive (and if you are you really shouldn't be reading this) you can bet when you and your group arrives there will be nothing to drink from (unless you are planning on drinking from a can like some kind of animal). If you show up with a selection of tasteful disposable cups you don't have to mess around digging through the already full sink and actually having to do any washing up at all.
4. Be a good guest. Don't spill, don't stub, don't start fights or be asked to leave.
5. Find your spot. If you arrive with a group try and find a spot where you can leave all your stuff. So at least one of you is always near the stuff and everyone gets a chance to circulate. I usually favour the kitchen as this is where the interesting conversations happen and there is plenty of cupboard space if you want to stash your bag.
6. Be careful with your drugs. Whilst smoking a joint and passing it to strangers is a good way to look really laid back and cool and a good conversation starter trying to do lines at a house party is hard work. You will be with about five friends and you will make six lines (not forgetting yourself of course) but by the time you have gotten around to snorting them someone else you know will have walked in. So you will either have to revise the lines you have already down to smaller size or you will have to give away more of your drugs. Either way the bathroom is a better sot for clandestine activity.
7. Don't be selfish with the bathroom. There are a lot of people at the party. Don't got to the bathroom to chat, puke or have sex. Chats take forever (especially once the booze has taken over), throwing up can be a real marathon once you've started and it's also a really nice way of getting everyone at the party to think you are a douche bag. Sex is not for bathrooms (even if you are gay and find some really hot boy to hook up with). For every three minutes you are in the bathroom there will be one person added to the line up outside and your popularity factor will go down by about 20% in this period. Do your business and get out!
8. Don't fuck on your hosts bed. Nothing says cheap and slutty worse than finding a couple of skanks having dirty sex on top of every ones coats and hats at at house party. The only time this is acceptable is if you are the host and it's your bed and if your room is the coat room it's still pretty marginal.
9. Don't fall over or attempt a "zany" stunt. In an unfamiliar environment falling over in a drunken manner you will end up putting your face through the glass top table or knock over the garbage can or injuring the most popular girl at the party. All of these scenarios are, of course unacceptable.
10. Don't be the last to leave. If you are the last to leave you will never be invited back to another party ever again. If you are the last to leave you are either passed out, puking (or both). Go out on a high. Tell a funny story to a group, start a sing along, pick the big dance track that will get everyone dancing. Make sure you say goodbye to everyone and that your car/taxi is waiting outside. Take you, your group and your fine ass costumes away intact and be remembered.
Stay Freaky
So the holiday season is almost upon us once again. Gay Christmas is the 31st of October and then if you are trans-Atlantic (like me) you have Thanksgiving followed by Jesus' Birthday Party followed by ringing in the year of our Lord 2011.
So this gives us lots of opportunities to dress up and hit the inevitable house parties. So since this is a blog I suppose I should be telling you how to act and what to wear right? Wrong. Think of this as more of a survival guide to the potential Horrors of House Parties.
1. Pick an outfit that is practical and chic. Fancy dress is all very well but please don't come to my house dressed as a squash or fruit. You can't get a giant pumpkin up the stairs and sip a cosmo and retain your dignity. And if you happen to score with the hottie you've had your eye on well nothing says flaccid cock better than some stupid girl dressed as a fucking bean bag,
2. Make your outfit a talking point. Halloween is not only about ghosts and witches and vampires. Try to be different, stand out and be counted. You do not want to show up and be one of twenty warty old witches or ten sucky Draculas.
3. If it's BYOB it stands to good reason that it's bring your own glasses too. Houses are not bars. The owner does not have a room downstairs in the basement dedicated to storing spare glassware should he run out during a "rush". You can assume there are about twenty drinking vessels per person living in the house (this is including ramekins, coffee mugs and annoyingly small champagne flutes or shot glasses stolen from your hosts local). Since you are not going to the first to arrive (and if you are you really shouldn't be reading this) you can bet when you and your group arrives there will be nothing to drink from (unless you are planning on drinking from a can like some kind of animal). If you show up with a selection of tasteful disposable cups you don't have to mess around digging through the already full sink and actually having to do any washing up at all.
4. Be a good guest. Don't spill, don't stub, don't start fights or be asked to leave.
5. Find your spot. If you arrive with a group try and find a spot where you can leave all your stuff. So at least one of you is always near the stuff and everyone gets a chance to circulate. I usually favour the kitchen as this is where the interesting conversations happen and there is plenty of cupboard space if you want to stash your bag.
6. Be careful with your drugs. Whilst smoking a joint and passing it to strangers is a good way to look really laid back and cool and a good conversation starter trying to do lines at a house party is hard work. You will be with about five friends and you will make six lines (not forgetting yourself of course) but by the time you have gotten around to snorting them someone else you know will have walked in. So you will either have to revise the lines you have already down to smaller size or you will have to give away more of your drugs. Either way the bathroom is a better sot for clandestine activity.
7. Don't be selfish with the bathroom. There are a lot of people at the party. Don't got to the bathroom to chat, puke or have sex. Chats take forever (especially once the booze has taken over), throwing up can be a real marathon once you've started and it's also a really nice way of getting everyone at the party to think you are a douche bag. Sex is not for bathrooms (even if you are gay and find some really hot boy to hook up with). For every three minutes you are in the bathroom there will be one person added to the line up outside and your popularity factor will go down by about 20% in this period. Do your business and get out!
8. Don't fuck on your hosts bed. Nothing says cheap and slutty worse than finding a couple of skanks having dirty sex on top of every ones coats and hats at at house party. The only time this is acceptable is if you are the host and it's your bed and if your room is the coat room it's still pretty marginal.
9. Don't fall over or attempt a "zany" stunt. In an unfamiliar environment falling over in a drunken manner you will end up putting your face through the glass top table or knock over the garbage can or injuring the most popular girl at the party. All of these scenarios are, of course unacceptable.
10. Don't be the last to leave. If you are the last to leave you will never be invited back to another party ever again. If you are the last to leave you are either passed out, puking (or both). Go out on a high. Tell a funny story to a group, start a sing along, pick the big dance track that will get everyone dancing. Make sure you say goodbye to everyone and that your car/taxi is waiting outside. Take you, your group and your fine ass costumes away intact and be remembered.
Stay Freaky
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