Spittin my first blog

House Party Ho (ho ho)

So the holiday season is almost upon us once again. Gay Christmas is the 31st of October and then if you are trans-Atlantic (like me) you have Thanksgiving followed by Jesus' Birthday Party followed by ringing in the year of our Lord 2011.

So this gives us lots of opportunities to dress up and hit the inevitable house parties. So since this is a blog I suppose I should be telling you how to act and what to wear right? Wrong. Think of this as more of a survival guide to the potential Horrors of House Parties.

1. Pick an outfit that is practical and chic. Fancy dress is all very well but please don't come to my house dressed as a squash or fruit. You can't get a giant pumpkin up the stairs and sip a cosmo and retain your dignity. And if you happen to score with the hottie you've had your eye on well nothing says flaccid cock better than some stupid girl dressed as a fucking bean bag,

2. Make your outfit a talking point. Halloween is not only about ghosts and witches and vampires. Try to be different, stand out and be counted. You do not want to show up and be one of twenty warty old witches or ten sucky Draculas.

3. If it's BYOB it stands to good reason that it's bring your own glasses too. Houses are not bars. The owner does not have a room downstairs in the basement dedicated to storing spare glassware should  he run out during a "rush". You can assume there are about twenty drinking vessels per person living in the house (this is including ramekins, coffee mugs and annoyingly small champagne flutes or shot glasses stolen from your hosts local). Since you are not going to the first to arrive (and if you are you really shouldn't be reading this) you can bet when you and your group arrives there will be nothing to drink from (unless you are planning on drinking from a can like some kind of animal). If you show up with a selection of tasteful disposable cups you don't have to mess around digging through the already full sink and actually having to do any washing up at all.

4. Be a good guest. Don't spill, don't stub, don't start fights or be asked to leave.

5. Find your spot. If you arrive with a group try and find a spot where you can leave all your stuff. So at least one of you is always near the stuff and everyone gets a chance to circulate. I usually favour the kitchen as this is where the interesting conversations happen and there is plenty of cupboard space if you want to stash your bag.

6. Be careful with your drugs. Whilst smoking a joint and passing it to strangers is a good way to look really laid back and cool and a good conversation starter trying to do lines at a house party is hard work. You will be with about five friends and you will make six lines (not forgetting yourself of course) but by the time you have gotten around to snorting them someone else you know will have walked in. So you will either have to revise the lines you have already down to smaller size or you will have to give away more of your drugs. Either way the bathroom is a better sot for  clandestine activity.

7. Don't be selfish with the bathroom. There are a lot of people at the party. Don't got to the bathroom to chat, puke or have sex. Chats take forever (especially once the booze has taken over), throwing up can be a real marathon once you've started and it's also a really nice way of getting everyone at the party to think you are a douche bag. Sex is not for bathrooms (even if you are gay and find some really hot boy to hook up with). For every three minutes you are in the bathroom there will be one person added to the line up outside and your popularity factor will go down by about 20% in this period. Do your business and get out!

8. Don't fuck on your hosts bed. Nothing says cheap and slutty worse than finding a couple of skanks having dirty sex on top of every ones coats and hats at at house party. The only time this is acceptable is if you are the host and it's your bed and if your room is the coat room it's still pretty marginal.

9. Don't fall over or attempt a "zany" stunt. In an unfamiliar environment falling over in a drunken manner you will end up putting your face through the glass top table or knock over the garbage can or injuring the most popular girl at the party. All of these scenarios are, of course unacceptable.

10. Don't be the last to leave. If you are the last to leave you will never be invited back to another party ever again. If you are the last to leave you are either passed out, puking (or both). Go out on a high. Tell a funny story to a group, start a sing along, pick the big dance track that will get everyone dancing. Make sure you say goodbye to everyone and that your car/taxi is waiting outside. Take you, your group and your fine ass costumes away intact and be remembered.


Stay Freaky